The End

Autumn is such a lovely season, my favourite actually. There's a street in the city that I've gone by so many times for the past few years. I've dreamt of going to Uni everyday and walking down that street. Both sides of the road lined with Maple? trees... and it is just absolutely breathtaking in Autumn...

Now, I'm there. I walk down the street every Tuesday and Wednesday... and it is just amazing. I just want to keep walking forever...

 

My birthday is on Monday and it's quite special I must say. It's at the end of everything. I was late at night, end of the day. On a Sunday, end of the week, of the weekend. On the 31st, end of the month. In May, end of the season... and now it's pretty much the end of the semester. But why the beginning of exams :P I just want to see my two best girls soooon and celebrate the end of this semester! 

  

I'm so tired of worrying... I can't even write anything good lately. I can be in the most relaxing situation and still write a bunch of cliche crap. I need motivation, I need inspiration, I need sleep...

Hoping to post something gooood next time... sweet dreams xox 

Leave me alone. Please.

Whenever I have good news or bad news or just news or anything on my mind at all... I tell me family and friends. I usually say I have no secrets because I'm horrible with keeping secrets and I just talk so much I don't think there is anything about me that's hidden. I express myself well.

There are however sides to me that I'd like to think no one knows about. It gives me an excuse to keep my distance to some I guess. When someone knows too much or absolutely everything about me, understand me, I get scared. I feel like I'm overexposed. That's why when a guy asks me "Why are girls so complicated?" I just answer [on behalf of myself] "We're not. As soon as you figure us out, we just like to change everything... just for the fun of your misery."

However there is one thing for sure; once I've told you something about me a million times, there's probably no chance in me changing it. It may seems harsh of me to cut people out of my life so easily, but trust me it's not.

You know how some say when in the moment of a near-death experience, you're life flashes before your eyes? Whenever I'm at peace, on my own on the bus, in my room, in the library etc. I like to think about everything. All the things that's happened in my past that has led me here. Of course I think of the most recent events more because it's at the furthest front of my mind.

I think about my decisions before, after and as I'm deciding. Same goes for my speech and actions. I aim to have no regrets. It's almost impossible to avoid, but that's my life dream. To have no regrets. So far, I can't say "I wish I could go back and do that differently" because the present me, wouldn't be the present me.

From the event that I have written somewhat obliquely about, comes a lot of emotions. I'm sad that I've lost friends. I'm upset that I can't get myself to take them back. But most of all, I'm angry from the pressure I've been getting from everyone else to change my mind. Persuading, is one thing, but guys this is beyond that already.

I've said that maybe after some time and space, and things have blown over I'll probably forget it. At this point I must say I have forgiven, but it's so damn hard to forget especially with this pressure. It makes me feel like people are being stuck in the middle because of me! Because it's my fault!

I seriously want to be left alone now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone but my family anymore. And even then, I now feel like I'm burdening them with my troubles so I hold back. I still yap on like there's no tomorrow but I can't express myself like I use to; comfortably. I can't enjoy life like I use to. NOT because I'm missing something but because I've got too much of something else. Just let me be. Please.

My Asianess

I usually don't like watching Asian dramas as much as most do.. I don't like following their media. I especially don't like Korean dramas.. it makes me too sad. But my last post was about Taeyang and I've been really getting into Korean music. They are so talented in the RNB/Hip Hop/Pop genres. I just love it!

My favourite besides Big Bang :D

BEAST

My only issue... The make-up! SO much make up in every video. I mean it works but just the amount of it.  

I am Asian by the way.. for those that don't know -- everyone knows. This could sound like a racist post and I suppose being of the race doesn't excuse the crime. But I'm just throwing it out there.

I've just never had the Asian Pride they all talk about. I mean I don't hate my background, my origin... I just dislike what it's become.

This is Girls' Generation / SNSD. They are so talented and beautiful. But there isn't any individuality. They just look like a match set. I don't want to be like that, and that's me. Though I wonder about those that are... Do they feel like they belong or like they've been limited to just that in life?

Though you could say I feel like this because I don't fit in with them. I don't look like that, I don't like what they like, I'm the one that doesn't belong. A community is suppose to make you feel comfortable and at home. But when I lived with the Asian community, I didn't. I felt like such an outcast. I wasn't like them. We spoke the same language, we have the same background but we are different people. But I look at everyone else and they just all seem to click.

I haven't been around many Asians since the beginning of High School, and I must say it felt nice. I could be whatever I wanted to be - no pressure. I'm not talking about traditional values pressure, I would be the same either way. I respect the beliefs and I must say I follow it voluntarily rather than forcefully. This could include things like "being a girl you must know how to cook and clean" - I just think of it as basic life skills, and responsibilities.

When I am around Asians, whether it's here or overseas, the first thing [and the thing that pisses me off the most] they would comment and judge me on was my weight. It's very insulting. So what if I'm not as thin as a normal Asian girl? Does it really matter that much? Does my life depend on that? When I'm around Asians, yeah.

You can't just say that it's because I've been Westernized though, because most of the ones I know are the same. They just all want to fit in. I reckon ethnic-peer-pressure is especially worse than the usual kind.

Taeyang

Everyone has a favourite song, a favourite performer, an idol. Mine has got to be Taeyang. He is a 23-year-old South Korean singer. Also part of Big Bang, my favourite Asian music group.

A few years ago, I accidentally came across his song Make Love on Limewire when I was looking for random new songs. And I've been hooked ever since. You could even say obsessed. He is an amazing singer, dancer and I'd imagine, an amazing person.

I write poetry but I don't write songs. I sing in the car but I don't dream of becoming a performer. So I never thought I'd idolise a performer so much. Even though most of the time I don't understand his lyrics, I understand the song. His songs make me feel something. They are soulful. Every beat; the music, lyrics and dance steps - I can feel how much effort has been put in.

I know the press exaggerates a lot. Though I want to believe that what I've learnt about him is true. His personality they describe, his ethics; it reinforces my beliefs to his music. It actually makes me feel better about this world.

I study Politics. I am beginning to hate it, because it makes me feel so sad about the world. I want to think liberally, but I always end up the realist. hen I turn on my iPod and Taeyang takes me to a whole other place. I think about what kind of person he is. It makes me feel that this world can have perfection, just like him - but there is a lot of work to be put in. It makes me think liberally.

I've actually stopped myself from posting about him so many times cuz I know I'll start rambling like the obsessed teenage girl I am. But here it is. To my idol, Taeyang.

Taeyang - Wedding Dress



Big Bang - Tell Me Goodbye

blurry but clear

Open my eyes just to yearn for the dream I just woke up from. I sigh to myself. My mind says don't get up the dream can be a reality if you believe. But everything around me points to reality. The alarm clock saying it's a brand new day - whether I like it or not. The clanging in the kitchen says it's breakfast time - gotta eat, gotta survive, gotta live.

I hop outta bed and into the shower. As I stare at the droplets on the glass, I think of all the what if's I can possibly think of. I get dress, have breakfast, grab my bag and rush out the door.

On the way to the bus stop I look at every detail so carefully. The veins on the leaves, the ants on the footpath... trying to imagine I'm seeing it all for the first time.

Sitting at the bus stop I think of what could happen right now that could change my life forever. Just like a scene from a movie. What would that be like?

I get on the bus. Looking out the window - drifting off into my own world. Imagining it all as a cartoon.

Suddenly I realise, I just spent my entire morning dreaming. Something I would have been doing if I had chosen to stay in bed. However this dreaming is all me. It's all my choice. I have complete control. I'm living the best of any world! Dreams, reality... anything. The lines are blurry, but one thing is definitely clear... I can be that line.

seasons change and so do we.

I don't like stress. I like to think that I don't stress but my body tells me otherwise. I try to be simple. I like to live simple. But I guess you can't dodge every pothole on the road. I don't want to be near people that causes me stress and issues.

Life itself is tough enough sometimes. Family, can be of many colours, colours that we can't choose. So at least with friends - surroundings of which I have a choice - can be as simple as possible. If we enjoy each others' company, good. If I've been hurt, I tend to choose another path, one that preferrably doesn't cross the one of the painful past.

It may seem like I don't believe in others, I don't give them a chance. But a heart is only so big. It can only fit so many. It can only survive so much. I want to be a light-hearted person. Though once I fall, it won't be as painful and I hope it'll be worth it.

Lastly, I want to wish a person good health and prosperity. Our future paths may or may not cross again, but you will always, always, be within my memories and my heart. You are and always will be...

autumn bring colours

of golden yellow and red

breathtaking colours

winter brings the cold

that brings us all together

a soft warmth within

spring brings about life

oh the twittering new life

it amazes me

summer brings the heat

with romance, joy and laughter

happy summer days

seasons come and go

so quickly within a glance

you just gotta flow

while you got the chance

no time to look back

and question what's been

before everything turns black

let everything be seen

i can't ask you why

why we were never happy

i just gotta live my life

hoping you remember me

i shed a tear

at the thought of you

it makes me scared

of what's this come to

i wish you well

with all my heart

there's no point to dwell

as now we've part

Hectic.

It has been way too long since my last post. I guess I'm feeling the full throttle of Uni life now... I'm enjoying it though. I cannot say it enough, the friends I've made are fantastic. I feel like I belong and as far as I know I'm not making their lives worse :)

I'm planning on going back to my old job. I have also felt the reality of how much money we need to spend everyday :P Not only just spending with friends and myself but on living necessities. I guess I have to admit that I'm not a kid anymore. I don't hate the responsibilities though, it makes me feel good about myself at the end of the day.

The big and best news is that I'm turning 18 in 20 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How awesome is that?!?!?! I've planned on having my 18th as a Masquerade for years now but it seems like around every corner, is a masked ball. What is up with that?! In the end, I can't celebrate it until the end of June because of exams. Still the BEST aspect of alll this.. is my two bestest friends are coming here just for my birthday!!

The only other issue on my mind right now is boys. I meet great guys. I feel like I should like them in that special way, but I don't and lately, can't. My sister reckons maybe the next one I feel a spark for might be the one. But that's too chick-flick-cliché I think. I mean I won't hate it, just I don't expect it. I do want to feel vulnerable and fall for someone. I miss that feeling. I miss the chase. I miss it all! I do have a feeling the next time I do could be very special though. Fingers crossed.

I don't think I'm gonna attach a poem in this entry. Not so much writers' block as to ... see I can't even think of a phrase for it... My creativity levels are LOW :( and I'm not happy about it. I've been coming up with bits and pieces that are really good but lead no where. And when it does lead somewhere, it's something tooo similar to my past works. I need inspiration! I need new... emotions? events? anything?!

from the corner of your eye
looking in the rear view mirror
whilst right by your side
something that couldn't be clearer

the present, near and happy
but you can't help but look back
thinking of what use to be
of what the present lacks

why can't you just settle
for what you have now?
why must you meddle?
should the past be disavowed?

there was a reason
for why you moved on
there was a lesson
to why the past is gone

move on, live on
for the now and next
what's gone is gone
the past is set

it can't do you good
but you can do it harm
what you should
is let it loose from your arms