Whenever I have good news or bad news or just news or anything on my mind at all... I tell me family and friends. I usually say I have no secrets because I'm horrible with keeping secrets and I just talk so much I don't think there is anything about me that's hidden. I express myself well.
There are however sides to me that I'd like to think no one knows about. It gives me an excuse to keep my distance to some I guess. When someone knows too much or absolutely everything about me, understand me, I get scared. I feel like I'm overexposed. That's why when a guy asks me "Why are girls so complicated?" I just answer [on behalf of myself] "We're not. As soon as you figure us out, we just like to change everything... just for the fun of your misery."
However there is one thing for sure; once I've told you something about me a million times, there's probably no chance in me changing it. It may seems harsh of me to cut people out of my life so easily, but trust me it's not.
You know how some say when in the moment of a near-death experience, you're life flashes before your eyes? Whenever I'm at peace, on my own on the bus, in my room, in the library etc. I like to think about everything. All the things that's happened in my past that has led me here. Of course I think of the most recent events more because it's at the furthest front of my mind.
I think about my decisions before, after and as I'm deciding. Same goes for my speech and actions. I aim to have no regrets. It's almost impossible to avoid, but that's my life dream. To have no regrets. So far, I can't say "I wish I could go back and do that differently" because the present me, wouldn't be the present me.
From the event that I have written somewhat obliquely about, comes a lot of emotions. I'm sad that I've lost friends. I'm upset that I can't get myself to take them back. But most of all, I'm angry from the pressure I've been getting from everyone else to change my mind. Persuading, is one thing, but guys this is beyond that already.
I've said that maybe after some time and space, and things have blown over I'll probably forget it. At this point I must say I have forgiven, but it's so damn hard to forget especially with this pressure. It makes me feel like people are being stuck in the middle because of me! Because it's my fault!
I seriously want to be left alone now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone but my family anymore. And even then, I now feel like I'm burdening them with my troubles so I hold back. I still yap on like there's no tomorrow but I can't express myself like I use to; comfortably. I can't enjoy life like I use to. NOT because I'm missing something but because I've got too much of something else. Just let me be. Please.
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